Got up at 6.30 this morning, after 2 weeks of being “locked” in the house, and drove myself to the lab for tests.  The most important one being the pregnancy test.

The disappointing news is that it’s “negative”.  Neither of the 2 embryos implanted, and so it’s back to square one.  Yes, I’m feeling devastated, but not half as bad as I felt last year when I had the ectopic pregnancy.  This was more about hope delayed, rather than hope raised and then denied.

I have to admit though, that I’m having serious misgivings about redoing the in vitro process.  If I said it’s not about the money, I’d be lying.  It is about the money! We just spent the equivalent of a nice trip to Europe or a trip to NZ on this process, and right now I have nothing to show for it.  So, yes, it does hurt!  I would much rather have blown the money on a trip, with family and friends and relaxation! With photos to show for it.

And  it’s all about the rules and restrictions and sacrifices.  I hate the “no sex until the doctor says” rule, and the “no walking my dogs” and “no walking up and down stairs” and “no going to church on Sunday”…. and all the rest of the rules that go with the “house arrest” that I’ve been under.  I hate having to ask someone else to go to the deli to buy my favourite tea, and try to explain to someone else what I need to get from the pet store, when I know I would just walk in there and get exactly what I need.

But maybe this is supposed to be about life’s lessons!  Maybe I’m supposed to learn how to graciously accept help from others.  How to graciously be patient and learn that everything all in its own time…

Things that worry me about redoing the process:

1- spending another trip’s money on the process and it not being successful;

2- spending another 2 weeks (at the very least) away from my office, doing my best to run it and be on top of everything from afar, but knowing that I’m not half as effective (leading staff) from up here as I am when I’m in the office;

3- not walking my dogs, and watching them (over these last 2 weeks) lose some of the discipline and obedience that I had, and not be half as well-behaved as they were when we started;

4- having made the commitment in Church for 2011 to Worship & Ministry Committee and not actually playing an active role (maybe goes back to learning to rely on others…);

5- how many times can I face the disappointment?

Guess I will discover this all over the next few months.  Tears have all dried, and I’m trying to work out what my feelings are about it all….