Obviously, my emotions have been on a complete yo-yo since receiving the news on Monday, having moments of feeling overwhelmed, and other moments of being totally calm and okay with it all. Yesterday, I started getting cramps and spotting, and felt like it was all happening (while I was in class finishing my Masters). So, I excused myself and headed home.
For some reason, driving home, I felt incredibly lonely. It doesn’t help that Alessandro is in Costa Rica all week working, and having him away THIS week has been tough. When I felt the tears whelling up, I suddenly had a deja-vu back to when I was 14 years old, and on the bus riding back from Panama City to Chame. It was a Sunday, after spending the weekend in Panama City with Mum, Dad & Jamie who were in town with Kerry (who was in the hospital with her dislocated knee) and I was on my way back (all by my lonesome) to Chame to go back to school for the week.
And I remember being on the bus and being frustrated and mad at God, the whole situation and life in general for putting me in the situation where I had to face life on my own. I was completely upset that I had to gert back to the flat in Chame, and take care of myself all week, while Kerry & Jamie got to have Mum & Dad with them and taking care of them. I understood why I couldn’t have Mum & Dad with me – and wasn’t mad at them. I wasn’t mad at Jamie or Kerry. But I was totally upset at the situation I was facing and that I had to face it “on my own”.
I remember crying on the bus to God that “it’s not fair, I don’t want to be on my own”. And that’s exactly how I felt last night. Frustrated with God and life in general about facing it on my own. And I got the SAME answer from God that I got when I was 14. “But you’re not on your own, I’m here for you”. And I hope that I’m mature enough now, 23 years later, to actually accept the answer and let His peace fill me. It still doesn’t stop me from crying… but at least I don’t feel so alone.
Anyway, even though yesterday I started spotting and all, today I still just have cramps and spotting. Period has not really arrived yet. So, still waiting…