Having spent the last 3 weeks really excited about the progress, but unfortunately last week I had an ultrasound and we couldn’t see anything.  Three days later (Thursday) I did a blood test for BHCG (this is the hormone that the body produces when you’re pregnant) and was up to double what I had been 3 days earlier.

Apparently, when you’re pregnant, the BHCG levels double every 3 days.  Day 1 = 30; day 4 = 60; day 7 = 120; day 10 = 240; and so on.

The only problem was that last weeks test (Monday), the numbers weren’t up to where they should be and the ultrasound didn’t show any growth.  Thursdays blood test had doubled, good news, but today’s ultrasound STILL showed nothing.  And there should definitely be growth by this stage.

So, the doctor gave me the bad news that I need to stop all of the treatment, and that my body will naturally abort everything, because it’s not growing as it should.  I was fine while in the doctor’s office, but admit I broke down once I was in the car and writing a chat to A (who is unfortunately in Nicaragua and Costa Rica this week), telling him the news.

I had a 3.00 p.m. appointment at another law firm, and wanted just to go home and crawl into a hole and cry.  But I couldn’t think of who to send to the meeting in my stead, so pulled myself together and went to my meeting.  Just as I was finishing the meeting, A called to find out how things had gone.  I asked him to call back in 10 min, so as to not make a scene in the other office.

We talked once I was back in the office, and I was a little teary, but mostly okay.  Unfortunately, someone walked into my office to ask for a signature as I was finishing, and asked if I was okay, and that was enough to open the flood of tears.  Thanks Desiree for the encouragement when I needed it!

One of the things I have been reading lately (on a completely different note) is about the “fear of the Lord” and what does this really mean.  One of the things that I’ve been studying is that this means praising Him and thanking Him irrespective of what we are going through.  This means that even when I am upset and crying, I am still supposed to praise Him and acknowledge His greatness and thank Him for carrying me through.  Understanding that He has a plan and purpose in everything, even though right now, where I am at, I can’t see what this purpose or plan is.

For example:  when He asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac… I listed a couple of months ago to a CD (book reading on CD, so that I can “read” in the car), by this Argentinian guy “Dante Gebel”.  The name of the book is “Las Arenas del Alma” – the desert sand of the soul.  And it’s about those moments when you’re walking through the desert, with a heavy heart, in the middle of problems, THIS is the moment when God wants to hear your praise.  This is the most beautiful song that will ever be sung in heaven – if you want all of heaven to stop and listen, THIS is the moment when the angels stop singing to listen to someone on earth singing.  Dante Gebel is a story teller… he takes complete artistic liberty with the Bible story and imagines what else happened when Abraham went to offer up Isaac – what happened in heaven and what happened on earth.

And the conclusion… when you least feel like worshipping, that’s the moment of the breakthrough.  That’s the moment when you lift your hands and say “thank you” and recognise the greatness of God and how He does carry you through, even though you can find no rhyme or reason for the trial or trouble that you are passing through.

Today, in spite of it all, that’s all I’ve been able to think about.  And I admit, it’s REALLY hard to say “thank you” to God right now for what I am going through, when I have no idea what the purpose of this all is.  Having gone through the ups and down of the last 4 weeks, I’m struggling to find the upside.  Where’s the silver lining?

But, I’m not “asked” to praise the Lord when I feel like it.  I’m told to do it “at all times”.  And so I did… and all it did was make me cry even more.  But it was also liberating.  Somehow.

So, here I am, sitting in class at University, actually paying attention to 20% of what the professor says (and updating my blog with the other 80% of my brain), and getting by.

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring… but apparently, we’re heading on to Round 2.